Safety is our #6 priority

Sorry it took so long to get this final day up, no doubt many of you have completely lost interest at this point. That's understandable, but hopefully I can win you back with my adventures in ignoring any pretense of safety.

Day three started with a breakfast at a restaurant/cafe called Mr. Show. It's a chain of places that offer your average selection of what China calls "Western" food. That's a loose term of course. I have yet to meet a chicken nugget or hamburger, outside of a Chinese McDonald's, that even comes close to resembling what you would get back home. Honestly, I'm fine with that. If you came to China to eat cheeseburgers, well, you're an idiot. Go home. The defining feature of the Mr. Show menu wasn't the food really, but rather the garbled English translations that could be found. About the only thing that was properly labeled was the fried fish sticks. Actually, I got the fried fish sticks, and it would probably have been more accurate to just take the word "fish" out of the name and just call them "fried sticks." Oh, and they didn't have any coffee. At 10:00 AM. At a coffee shop. China is a mysterious place.

After breakfast we took a couple taxis to our destination for the day, 小雷山, also known as Little Thunder Mountain. LTM is a scenic, if a bit touristy, spot outside of Huangshi where you can hike, swim, rent paddle boats and ride on the world's sketchiest roller coaster. More on the roller coaster in a minute. The hike up the mountain was uneventful. This wasn't what we would traditionally call hiking in the US. It wasn't trails with jagged rocks and tree roots, this was stairs, lots of stairs. But it was beautiful, and after a month of Wuhan's stellar pollution I was thoroughly enjoying some time outdoors.

Once you conquer the first part of the ascent, the fun really begins. This is where you find the roller coaster I mentioned before. 

Now, I can appreciate the views you might get from riding on this thing, but I'm not quite sure it is worth almost certain death. The best part is that the actual motions of the coaster won't kill, no it is only about 200 ft long, with three turns. Instead, the world's worst case of tetanus, courtesy of the roughly one million rusty edges that will threaten your head, neck and torso. will probably be your end. 

Moving past the death machine, we journeyed to the highest point of the mountain, the temple. But first, we had to climb about a thousand more steps. The picture below gives you an idea of how intimidating this part can be.

I chose to run up these. This lead to several minutes of contemplating the state of my mental health...

I wasn't sure that getting to the top would be worth all the effort. I was quite happy to be wrong.

You are rewarding with some pretty amazing views, and the chance to climb this beautiful tower. 

The only thing more surreal than the views was what happened at the top. Somehow my friends and I ended up sitting in a circle on the floor and singing songs from our respective countries. We're talking songs about Polish wars (according to Natalia, all Polish songs are sad and talk about war, go figure), Finnish songs, Australian drinking songs and my own offering, Burl Ives' classic "Fooba Wooba John." Can't get much more American than a nonsense folk song from 1959. Ned also sang "Big Rock Candy Mountain" about three times, because we made him do it. Mind you, we're sitting in the middle of the floor, surrounded by Chinese tourists who very much enjoyed watching the foreigners make complete asses of themselves.

Having heard how hard it was to get up this mountain, i.e. steps not trails, you won't be surprised to hear that there are faster ways to get to the bottom than your own two feet. Namely, zip line and slide.

The zip line was about as sketchy as they come. No high tech safety equipment here, people. Just a rusty harness held together by your own sense of indestructibility. I added to the danger by filming my trip down. I would describe my phone holding technique as a death grip. See that video here.

Upon landing, I explained to the men that I had "smashed my eggs." They thought this was very funny. Follow this link to see what happened when Bobby got stuck 20 feet from the landing pad.

 Our pursuit of near death experiences was not over, however, as we still had to take the slide down to the bottom. The common thread between these two conveyances is that they would never be allowed to exist in the United States, aside from in some redneck's homemade carnival.

 Like the zip line, this slide is probably not what you were picturing. Here are is a short list of materials that would have been safer and less painful to use than the polished marble that was employed in the construction of this slide:

1) Plastic
2) Fiber glass
3) Felt
4) Some plastic garbage bags laid end to end
5) Stadium stairs
6) A sheer drop with a thin mattress at the bottom

The slide was divided into three sections. The first section was my most painful, thanks to the turn that came right about when you reached top speed. Note the lack of banking on the sides, replaced instead with 90 degree angles. That meant you didn't so much turn as you did bang off the wall like in a pin ball machine. Most of us took the impact with our hips, but I put my arm down hoping to cushion the blow. This resulted in a pretty sweet marble burn, something I did not know existed until that moment It's currently turning into a nice pink scar.

The fatal flaw in this design was really the roof that covered it. Due to said roof, you were unable to see how long of a run-off you had before the slide ended. That was especially scary on section two, a straight drop to a flat section about 6 feet long. That gave you approximately .5 seconds to slow yourself or you would fly off the end into a set of concrete stairs. We all managed to escape that part alive, but Robyn almost took out Bobby at the knees when she came off the slide doing roughly Mach 2.  Section three was a downhill followed by a flat and another down hill. I caught about a foot of air, but managed not to have to use the landing zone at the bottom. That safety feature consisted of a mat stuffed with what must have been plastic bags and a cargo net to run into

All the zip lining and beautiful views was great, but the true highlight of this trip happened in the last five minutes. As we tried to leave, a group of Chinese people begged us to take pictures with them. This resulted in what you see below, culminating in the picture of me and my Chinese family.

That night we had dinner at a beautiful little restaurant at the bottom of the mountain, then went home and sat around in the hotel room, too tired to do anything else.

Our final half day was a great way to end. We met Bobby's family at a Sichuanese place where we ate a good deal of frog legs and chicken feet. I was also drunk on Chinese rice liquor at around 1:00 in the afternoon. This was not by choice, but necessity. When the chief of police (Bobby's dad's friend from school) asks you to drink with him, you damn well drink. Hopefully I will never have to call on him for help, but know he'll remember me if I do.

Two hours later we caught a train to Wuhan (standing ticket, of course). It's been a month since this trip and I am still processing just how crazy it really was. So far I've only figured out that I loved it. 

$300 of salmon

Huangshi is built around Cihu Lake, a beautiful, if a bit polluted body of water where we found ourselves eating breakfast/lunch on day two. The restaurant of choice that morning was a Sichuanese place that, like Milton Park from the night before, was owned by Bobby's dad. It was a beautiful establishment, but I'd be lying if I said that's what draws people to it. Nope, that credit goes to the three story duck that was moored behind it.

The story goes that Bobby's dad, Michael, was traveling in Singapore for business when he saw this thing floating in a bay. He liked it, so he bought it. If you've read my last post then you are noticing a trend right about now. I ate lunch while staring at the reflection of the duck in the glass walls of the restaurant. It was...eery. This sensation that was only enhanced by the two seven-foot-tall "ducklings"that flanked it.

When lunch concluded we caught a ride to the other side of the lake and rented bikes to ride around. The quality of said bikes was questionable at best. I spurned the glamorous side-by-side and tandem rides in favor of more reliable transportation, or so I hoped. My particular steed was a regular mountain bike of unknown vintage and Chinese make that proved to be anything but reliable. Within the first 50 ft I realized that the chain slipped in every gear, so if I ever stood up to pedal I would find myself lurching forward, threatening to flip over the handle bars. That's the curse of these powerful Robertson legs.

We eventually made it back to the restaurant where we gathered to take this photo. Note the presence of the legendary TonyNickDanny on the far left. 

My bike continued to deteriorate on the ride back. In addition to the aforementioned gear slippage, I also noticed a distinct lack of brakes. Then the pedal fell off. So I put it back on. Then it fell off 10 ft later. So I put it back on again, Then it fell off again. So I gave up and just held it in my hand for the next mile or so. On the plus side, I spotted a bunch of huge fish on the way back. Well, a bunch of huge, dead fish to be exact. Despite my transportation doing it's best to kill me, it was a fantastic time. Once we dropped off the bikes (I managed to make the pedal stay on long enough to convince the rental people that everything was good to go), we walked a few hundred meters to paddle boat rental place and got ourselves a few floating death traps.

While the bikes were dangerous due to shotty construction, the boats were risky due to more environmental factors, namely, Chinese people and spiders. There is a certain fact that you must accept as a foreigner in a small city like Huangshi; you are a minor celebrity. This is especially true for my very blonde Polish and Finnish friends. We never got very far before another boat crashed into us because they so fixated by the sight of our pale white faces. I should mention that I have absolutely no problem with this type of behavior. The reality is that many Chinese people don't see foreigners very often. Were I put in a similar situation I would act the same way. In fact, people that know me won't be surprised to learn that I rather enjoy all the attention. Want me to give you a thumbs up and smile for your photo? Why, yes, I'll be happy to. Want me to put my arm around you and pretend we are best friends? I would love to. I might even sneak a kiss on the cheek, just to make your day. If the options are: 

1) Get mad and let it ruin my trip

or

2) Embrace my new found celebrity and make some Chinese person very happy

I will pick number 2 every time.

The Chinese paparazzi, however, were more of a nuisance than a danger. No, the real hazard was the spiders. They seemed to appear out of nowhere every 5 minutes or so; falling from the ceiling, crawling out from beneath us or just manifesting like eight-legged wizards. We never knew where they would strike next, or whether a single bite would melt off a limb with a debilitating neurotoxin.

Luckily, we made it back to shore without losing anybody (the only other spot of trouble was an old man in a power boat that was acting as a lifeguard. He seemed convinced that were hoodlums of the highest order, never missing a chance to zoom over and scream at us through his bull horn). We staggered back to our hotel, completely exhausted from the day, but our night was far from over.

We still had to have dinner with a billionaire.

You see, Michael is good friends with a gentleman whose name I won't use, mostly because I hope to make him a future employer. This man happens to be the richest person in Hubei province, making him one of the wealthier people in all of China. And we were to join him for dinner that night. Sufficed to say, I was thrilled.

The location for this dinner/surreal dream appeared to an office building, until we walked up three flights of stares and navigated a maze of hallways, eventually opening up into a private dining room.

We were greeted by the spread you see above. Starting with a very expensive sea cucumber in pale broth (a vile creature that tastes like nothing, but has the consistency of a chewy booger),  we moved on to eat a meal fit for, well, a billionaire. In the photo above you can see a delicious giant lobster, along with mouthwatering sashimi. These two things alone cost more than my entire monthly budget. I swear I probably ate $300 worth of salmon that night. Looking to the left you can see the winter melon (the thing that looks like a giant sea anemone) and enough abalone to bankrupt me several times. Not pictured, because I thought it was a little gauche to snap photos during dinner, are imported Spanish ham (amazing), duck tongue (gross) and a very rare type of mushroom that was referred to as "lamb bone" mushroom. If you are wondering what they looked like, my friend Ned described it best when he called them "puppy scrotums." I wish that weren't accurate, but it is. All told, it took them two days to prepare this dinner. Two. Days.

The entire meal was completely surreal. I must have turned to my friend and asked him, "This whole thing is insane, right?" about 10 times. It was still insane every time. 

After hand shakes were exchanged, we stumbled away in a daze of disbelief. To celebrate our brush with the ultra wealthy, we played the most blue collar sport on the planet, pool. I quickly realized that I am terrible pool player, but found better use of my time in the arcade next door. There, I did America proud by defeating all those who dared to challenge me in a racing game that I had never played. I would be lying if I said I wasn't amazing at it. This is the only kind of drunk driving I would advocate. 

A lovely end to an outrageous and lovely night.

My journey to Yellowstone (No, not that one)

October marks the beginning of one of China's many holidays, 黄金周, or Golden Week. It was created by the Chinese government back in 2000 for the purpose of stimulating the tourism industry and giving people a chance to visit their families. I can't help but wish that the American government would take up the "let's just make up a holiday so we can hang out for a week" stance of which the communists are so fond. Regardless, for me and my classmates it means we had seven days to do whatever our minds can imagine and our incredibly small budgets can afford. 

We quickly struck upon the idea that we would visit our friend Bobby's hometown, 黄石. Huangshi, about an hour and half outside of Wuhan, is a "small city" by Chinese standards, with only about 2.6 million people. That's twice the population of New Hampshire. Small city. Right. Anyways, Bobby was born and raised in Australia, but his parents are from Huangshi and they often visit family there. It just so happened that they were there for the holiday so they invited us to come spend it with them in the city. We all jumped at the chance to get out of the city for a bit.

We intended to take the high speed train to Huangshi on Wednesday, but as you would expect, things didn't go as planned. For starters, we couldn't get a taxi to stop and pick us up. This is partially our own faults as it was around 4:00, the time when taxi drivers change shifts and then get dinner. Therefore we walked about a mile down the road with our thumbs out before we finally got a ride. Once we got to the station we found out there were no more tickets available. Also we were at the wrong station. So much for that plan. 

Just when we thought all was lost, Bobby's dad, Michael, volunteered to come pick us up from the station. Now I mentioned before that Huangshi is about an hour and a half from Wuhan, which makes it very interesting that Bobby's dad arrived about 45 minutes later. Turns out he is my kind of guy, the kind of guy that drives his Mercedes SUV about 110 MPH down the highway. We hopped in and I got to see that driving style firsthand. It was awesome. The man threaded that 6,000 lbs SUV like a needle between ancient trucks and tiny hatchbacks, with me giggling in the back seat.

Soon we were arrived at Michael’s restaurant in Huangshi. At this point I should mention that Bobby’s dad is a man of means. When I say means, I mean millions. Here’s an example; Bobby works at a country house-style hotel in Sydney called Milton Park. One day his dad visited and fell in love with the place, so he bought it. Then he returned to Huangshi where he built another restaurant/hotel and named it Milton Park in homage to the original. This would become a running joke on the trip. When we walked into a building one of us would always say, “I like this place. I think I’ll buy it.”

It is also worth mentioning that you would never know that Bobby came from this kind of wealth if you met him. He doesn't dress in Louis Vuitton or wear gold chains, in fact he worked at McDonalds in Australia and he’s about as down to earth as a guy can be. He’s also incredibly generous and he’s the reason I am staring at a bookshelf in my room and why I never have to pay for laundry (his uncle bought him a washing machine, which I refer to as “my” washing machine all the time. I am only half joking.)

Dinner that night was with Bobby’s family including his mother, two brothers and his cousin, TonyNickDanny. TonyNickDanny earned this title because he simply couldn’t decide on an English name, leading Bobby and his brothers to combine all his ideas into one.

From the left: TonyNickDanny, Natalia (Poland), Robyn (England), Virag
(Hungary), Bobby (Australia), Aino
(Finland), Ned (USA), Bobby's dad

It was a great time, especially the never ending Budweiser and sparkling grape juice (I preferred the grape juice, if I'm being honest). I of course love this type of occasion as it gives me the chance to make jokes in front of an audience, the purpose of my existence. Once dinner was over we went downstairs and hung out till 1:00 when we decided to head to our hotel and promptly fell asleep. Stay tuned for days two through four.